VEGA (English)

People call me ‘weird’… They think that what they are doing is pretty normal. Born, play, study, work, marry, have children, retire, have grandchildren and die… These sound me weird, what am I doing instead? Nothing.  But it sounds still boring with full of fake relations, fake emotions, fake dreams… Everything depends on others… You have to modify your life, your dreams, your relations and emotions. All these reasons make me think that they are ‘weird’, not me.  Life is too short to join an order …

I was sitting on the balcony with all these thoughts and watching the street under the dimmed street lights… It should have been quite long time, even my beer wasn’t cold anymore or maybe I couldn’t even enjoy the beer, shame!  I thought again and again, drank my disgusting beer and thought again. What was wrong? I never wanted to have life like those weird guys. However, they might be right that I am just a complaining guy with mystery… They always say I am mysterious because not talk a lot but they just don’t know I have no time for full of rubbish talk… Anyway, that time I thought again. I have a good job that I hate, very good salary, important position at work, I have a good house in a good place, have money, a bar I always visit, a dog who understand me much better than people, one car which is my travel buddy, girlfriends from time to time, even had a failed family try … I have everything but in the end, where I come is the same.  My balcony with my beer and my best friend Cartman the Dog. In the end, always same view, empty streets, dimmed light, sometimes rain…

Recent days, everything I do regularly make me bored. Daily meditation gave no relaxation, exercise gave no energy or joy… I even don’t want to call that girl I met in the Bar 4 days ago although I thought she is different and we had an amazing night with magnificent desire. I tell magnificent desire but I even cannot confess myself that during the night my mind wasn’t there. It was magnificent desire for my body not really mentally. My mind wasn’t there and thought another day, another body like before…

Next week I would have holiday for 3 weeks and this time I decided to do something new for me. To go to beach and spend 1 or 2 week there and in last one week maybe visit  some art galleries as always or a city tour that I haven’t been yet. Beach is very cliché and it is the plan for all colleagues so I would have chance to see many people like them who I hate but I had seen that my hate made me forget about that kind of holiday and it had been more than 10 years. So this could be the change I was looking for, maybe I could be the one of them. Do I really want to be one of them? Not really…

On one hand I had no willing to go a holiday like that, on the other hand I had already begun to plan my trip…That night I didn’t sleep and filtered possible destinations. Of course, I tried to find less attractive place for office people. Even if I wanted to go a place like that, I couldn’t bear hundreds of them… And I found a place with a beautiful beach and not so touristic. Hotel room is opening directly to the beach, there are full services and one kilometer inside there is a big forest and mountains which is waiting for exploring and also possibility for camping. Yes, I couldn’t be one of them and again chose my own way. I was sure that I would get bored in few hours on the beach. So I reserved the hotel for a week and then slept finally. Ohh god, it is almost morning and again work with fake smiles and liars.

It was good that I had one day off before my trip so I had chance to prepare myself even if I have no idea what it means but at least I wouldn’t see the boring office and shameless ass kissers just before the trip. I was sure they were very happy that I wouldn’t be there for 3 weeks.

That day, I woke up late and lazy as always. I thought another trip and I feel completely reluctant. Then I washed my face and looked at the mirror. My long beard and hair which make the manager hate me, few wrinkles which shows me mature and some girls say it is sexy … After few seconds in front of mirror, I decided to change and of course I began with brushing teeth and then shaving beards then went to hair dresser and shopping. I wanted to be totally new for this trip. Not like one of them but also not like myself. At night I was ready for the trip and even if I said I am reluctant, I was quite excited…Surprisingly…

Next day, I have finally arrived the hotel. It was better than I expected. The design make it more authentic and natural as well, beach was just near it and behind the hotel there was perfect view of the forest… There is also a swimming pool, bar, everything I need. And there was one surprise that chilling and reading room. It was surprising because it was amazingly silent and there are many books in different fields. It was like a small library. I spent first two days with swimming in the morning, reading my books and checking the interesting books in library, daily meditation, some exercises, watching other people and taking notes… People were happy and enjoying their holiday with family but I could see some lack and many thoughts in their eyes. It was ok. Their happiness is not my business. So I think about myself, I guess I was the only single person in the hotel and it made me smile. I was alone but at least not limited. Complete free and open to people around…

Holiday began very nice. It was quite ok. It was like what I needed, I felt better but also began to get bored in second day and started to think about following days’ plan. Because it was impossible to spend whole week there, I should have done something different before it get boring. Then I asked about the forest and got some ideas. It was called “Vega”. Nobody knows why it is called like that but of course I wondered and tried to find some books in the library about local history . As I knew, Vega was the brightest star of Lyra constellation. Lyra is the magical instrument of Orpheus in Greek Mythology. It was believed that it can charm even unanimated objects like trees, rocks ..By using it, he could get his wife back by charming Hades. However, there was one condition that he would never look back till outside. Unfortunately, near the very end, he looked back and had to leave his wife there forever. So rest of his life he played lyra while he was wandering aimlessly through the land and rejecting all marrying proposals from other women. Yes, the story was like this but I couldn’t find answer for the forest. I read and spent almost four hours and there were only rumors like when you get lost, by following music, you can find the way out or another story was about a man who lost his wife there forever and another story was that forest is cursed. So it is very dangerous to go there. However, hotel makes some tourism there and provides a trekking path there and also guided tour in forest. . After I read few other stories, I just aware that I am wasting time and left. I went to reception again and asked if it is safe to go there or not, if there is trekking path so on. Only useful information was “don’t go at night and don’t leave the tour guide or path “which I didn’t take very serious.

On the following day, I woke up very early. Plan was swimming naked with the sunrise then resting on beach a bit then taking my stuff and go for trekking till the evening.  So after eating something, I went to swim. It was amazing so I decided to stay longer because weather broadcast said it would be worse in following day. I took my stuff with me to the beach and also something to eat for breakfast. I would go to mountain directly after swim. My plan had changed a bit because there were 2-3 more people at that time, so it was impossible to swim naked. Besides, I enjoyed more than I thought .That’s why trekking would be postponed. Swim, rest, swim, I spent more than one hour and decided to leave one hour later. I went to swim for last time. Those people left already and few were coming new. In the sea, there were only me and a girl who was there since beginning. Even if I’d observed all people in the hotel in last days, this face wasn’t familiar to me and she was alone. I was sure I am the only single one there. So, I thought her husband or boyfriend whatever was sleeping. I swam a bit more and decided to rest, get dry and leave for mountain. I approached to shore and I was about to go out but then I heard a voice. “If I were you, I could stay more, after one hour, here will be crowded and unbearable.” Yes, she was talking with me. I just smiled and told that I still had time there. It was time for mountain visit. Then I went to get dry and rest on the beach. After a while she settled near me. She was very cute and as arrogant as me.  I didn’t care first but then she suddenly said: “the mountain… that touristic path is boring but there is on lake in forest and amazing for swimming, just near the path. There is also a small village behind, very original place. So, this time I would like to go that village by crossing over the mountain” I thought it was great idea. I thought she is the same as all those “tourists” but she was just like me. Then I learnt that she was swimming only in the mornings then she just was going to lake in mountain and also the other places around. It was her 5th day. So, after a while, I invited her but time was already afternoon. We thought it is better to organize this trip for tomorrow. That day I couldn’t manage my plans but I met interesting person and at least I wouldn’t be alone in the forest and do stupid things.

Early in the morning my door was knocked. “Wake up! You wouldn’t want to be late” It was just before sunrise. I opened door and that girl, Lara. She just thought that I would want to swim before. Yes I wanted but it had been years that somebody forced me to wake up. In few minutes I was ready and we went to swim then took our stuff and leaded to forest. I was with my short, t-shirt and one bag with drink and food. She was also with shorts and t-shirt, a bag and a tent. I joked about tent at first but then she said she could stay in the camping area near the village. After ten minutes we got into the forest. We were following the path and also checking the map. Yes, we both hate mobile phones for map. I always think it is much better to use classical map. We shouldn’t be perfect all the time and fortunately, she was thinking the same. Forest was wonderful and very dense. In some places, we even couldn’t see the daylight although it is just morning. Finally, we arrived the small lake in the forest and rest there a bit. Lake was surrounded by trees and also gets the sunlight very perfectly. It was impossible to believe that it is natural. Also, that place was very peaceful and quite like a dream. We spent two hours there. I thought that place is the place where I can swim naked and completely relax and then I learnt she already did it before … After we had got dry again and eaten our meal, we headed again.

We could feel that we were climbing but couldn’t be sure where we exactly were. Sun was also blocked and most probably, expected rain was on the way. So, it was hard to guess the directions. What a day to hiking, right? Then we stopped and checked the map. The path map was a little bit confusing but finally we could guess our place. Unfortunately, it was impossible to understand then we decided to check the navigation but there was no signal of course. When did it work when I need? Perfect. After thirty minutes discussion and thinking we realized that we are far from the way to cross mountain. We should go back or find a way from there. Of course we decided to walk to highest point and cross there. We kept walking and after few hours, it was in the middle of nowhere. Then we finally found a way very similar to way to lake. Perhaps we just made a circle. Therefore, we just followed that way. Time went so fast and we were still in nowhere. It was getting dark. Yes, that time our mobile was ready to help but battery was low. Fortunately she was well prepared for camping and had a light. Time kept going and we couldn’t find any way. It was completely dark and we should have found a way. Everywhere was full with huge trees, wild grasses and now, there were some sounds around… Probably wild animals. We stopped and decided to think clearly. First, checked the map and result is nothing. Then tent could be good alternative at least, till morning but the place where we were, didn’t seem safe. I was getting nervous but I smiled. My death shouldn’t be like this. Good thing is I wouldn’t die alone as everybody thinks. I looked at her and she was strong but there were small clue of fear. Then we startled with a voice. Something was running around. It ruined our silence and also our courage. I checked Lara and her face was completely white. Nothing left from that strong look. I was also the same. My heart was beating very fast and I was thinking very quick to possible solutions in the case of to be attacked by a wild animal but nothing needed anymore. It was just a deer passing through. It made us relax but also we should have had a way as soon as possible. Then I had an idea that we should find a hill, maybe with less trees or just should climb one tree to find out where we are. We were looking for some trees which could be climbed. Lara suddenly stopped and said checked the moon light so that we could find less dense place. It was great idea so we began to walk again. We had chosen the ways goes up. Because we were sure that we are much close on top. It could be hours to go back hotel and we didn’t have power to do that.

After almost thirty minutes we heard a voice of water, maybe small water fall. It could be the place we are looking for. We followed the voice and yes it was a small river. We kept walking along it and our way was blocked by a rock. It was very interesting rock. Left of it was causes a small water fall. Upper part of rock was adjacent to forest and cover the bottom part like a roof but not completely and when we turned around the right corner of rock there were smaller roof and a small hall which is completely open and give us chance to see the sky. That place was lighter. Fortunately nature helped us. It was full moon time. This end of the darkness made us courage and before we prepared the tent, we decided to climb on it to see where we were. Just after passing the small hall, we found a place to climb to top of the rock. It was interesting because hard to believe that it is natural. If I built a home without windows and doors, I would do the same. But rock just looks completely normal and natural. In few minutes, we managed climbed the top and what we see was like a dream. Whole forest was lying in front of us, also the sea and hotel was there. Behind we could see the village we want to go. It was like a dream. Incredible view that made us laugh without any reason. We were in the middle of nowhere and somewhere. Hotel could take hours to go and village too but we had already forgotten about both. This time we would enjoy the moment instead of complaining. So, I went down again and took the drinks , foods and climbed again. The view gave us energy. Finally we knew where we were. We would wait till morning and find our way. And till morning we had enough time to sleep and rest and enjoy the place.

During hours we ate, drank and talked, told stories and watched the sky. We opened the music with our low batteries..aerosmith’s dream on  was the last song played… We were guessing the star clusters. She showed me Lyra and we found Vega. It reminded me the story. As lyra helped Orpheus to find his wife and take her back, the voice of the river helped us to find our way. So we decided to call that rock as Orpheus and we thought it could be really superficial. Time was running with laughs, jokes, stories. But we were very tired and also drunk enough to sleep. We were laying on our back and watching the sky then our sides and just watched each other’s eyes and I was watching that amazing smile. It was romantic, very romantic under moon light or I was drunk. That time I didn’t think anything, just watched those beautiful eyes.

Then she hold my hand said “thank you”… “If you weren’t with me, I couldn’t find the way”. It was same for me. So I told the same. Then we sat, turned to view again and hug each other. It was also getting cold… We hugged and watched the view for a while. There was strange thing between us. It was like a love but also something was keeping us away from each other, just doesn’t want us to kiss. So we sat like that in silence. After some time, it started to rain. It was almost midnight, cold and rainy. It was better to go down and prepare tent. Rain became very heavy in just few seconds and we got completely wet till we went down.

Bad news… Our bags were on the open hall so they were the same. So everything was wet except my backup t-shirt and short because it was in plastic bag in my backpack. Luckily, it was dry. We prepared the tent but problem was our wetness. I found a solution. I offered Lara to wear my backup t-shirt and I would just wear my short. In the tent it would be cold maybe but with a fire we could get our towels dry and also tent was small so it was better to sleep in turn. I lit the fire while she was changing and it was finally done. Then she came near the fire. Luckily, we had an equipment for the fire in that cold day and the equipment was dry enough, towel saved them. Few seconds later Lara came to get warm and dry. We continued to talk about everything and making jokes about our hiking ability. She was very funny and looked very beautiful in my t-shirt. After a while, we were very sleepy and I sent her to sleep. I would keep the fire alive and wait for my turn. However it was harder than I thought. It was cold and scary. Forest was in complete darkness and there were many different voices…I imagined there like my balcony. My drink, dimmed light, silence.

Yes, my final scene was always the same with full of thoughts. While I was thinking about these, a dog ruined the silence, drank water from the river and went away. God, it was really scary. Why don’t animals and trees talk? Silence  again and the taste of cold from my back. The deep thoughts ruined again and this time it was Lara. She just woke up for her turn on duty. However, I said no to her. Because it was scary enough and I couldn’t let her alone there. I said we can sit together or she can go back to sleep because I don’t have sleep anymore. Even I didn’t believe when I was saying this,  because I was hardly opening my eyes. She said the same. She would be ok there and that I need sleep. I couldn’t say, “so we can sleep together”. Even if I don’t think something like that, it could be understood wrong. Therefore I said nothing but ok and ‘good night’.I went to tent and tried to sleep.

I don’t know how much time passed but tent was opened suddenly. I thought like in a scary movie and didn’t look at the door first. Just thought, I shouldn’t have left her alone, then slowly turned and it was Lara. I said “what is it already morning?, was my turn already passed?, why didn’t you wake me up?” .. I began to talk without stop but she finally interrupted me and told that it is scary. It has been just 20 minutes and she couldn’t wait there anymore so she asked me to sleep near me. It was what I thought and said ok. Even I couldn’t stand there as a king of loneliness and darkness, how would she do that? So she lay down near me but I could hear her heart beat that she was really scared. I was so sleepy to say anything and turned my back and kept sleeping. Then we heard a voice again which woke us suddenly and made Lara hugged me. I could feel her fear again. I stayed calm, well just tried and checked what was going on. It was the same dog. So, I went back to sleep but Lara didn’t leave me and kept hugging and said that she is very scared. Now I could see her eyes again like at the beginning of the night. I relaxed her and said just few hours then it would be morning and we would be on our way. But I hugged her too this time, fear and panic was the last thing we need there so she should have felt safe and I was right. She felt safer. I saw her smile, beautiful eyes. Now I could close my eyes comfortably and tried to sleep but I could feel her body temperature, her heart beat and her body under t-shirt and I was sure that she was feeling everything, even my fear too. I was right, after few minutes she came closer and gor stuck on my body. Now I could felt more. I opened my eyes and see her watching me. Then she came closer and kissed me. This was different than all kisses before. This was completely genuine, warm and with full of desire. The way of sleeping was changing. The move of her tongue was like a wave, like a dancing in mouth…Very relaxing and charming. Orpheus finally let our love and played for us. It was a love for him. Our heat was increasing gradually. There were no more cold in tent. We could feel all details of each other. Now not only our tongues and our bodies were dancing as there is music around. It was completely rhytmic and coherent. Just like we belong to each other. I could hear her fast breathing and desire…It wasn’t what I expect but it was pretty amazing… It was the melody of nature and love with the voice of tiny wind, rain drops… It was the melody of two lonely bodies which were inviting each other to the sin like the charm of Lyra. I don’t know whether because of the watching so much sky at night or not, what I saw on her eyes was a huge universe. I could see the desire, love, fear, relaxing everything there. It was hard to stop watching her like this. Nothing was as wonderful as her eyes and as the feeling she gave me. Sun was already rising when we stopped. I really don’t know what was different but it was excellent. Her body, eyes and voice… Everything was extraordinary. Maybe we should have thank to Orpheus or just thank to nature.

After resting and sleeping a bit we made a plan. We were too stubborn to arrive the distance so climbed the rock again and draw our route. In 1.5 hour, finally we arrived the village. It was really interesting village with the mixture of middle age and before. It was completely primitive and original. After that night, we were busy with each other more than the village. Then at the evening we went back to hotel and spent 2 days in hotel, finally achieved the naked swimming with sunrise and used all opportunities there. Last night first time we talked about what is then? I was planning to historical culture trip around in Spain or just a city and museum trip in St. Petersburg. After our hot holiday, St.Petersburg sounded better and Lara said she could join me. We directly bought the tickets and went to there. Then I had learned that she had to give up art history studies because of financial reasons and found another studies just for money and had a work she hate. Although she lived like that, she had a small art gallery but because of stupid people she had to close it. This holiday was really weird for me. When I thought that it would be very boring and I would be one of that office guys, I spent completely different time and I became a new person. After one more week with Lara, we extended the holiday for few days more and I was completely into her. First time, I thought how to leave. First time I was thinking about a woman and her flexibility was surprising. We couldn’t be just two people who have holidays at the same time. I wished that or even wished her as jobless now and we could find a plan for future…

It was finally end of the holidays and last 4 days to go back to office and see those moron faces. Besides, the last day with Lara. I was thinking about spending last days beautiful or talking everything with her, about her job her life and her plans. I just don’t want to scare her, maybe she was like me who enjoy the loneliness and she didn’t get the same feelings from me. So we spent few hours and she finally stopped me and said that we need to talk. That made me courage enough to tell what I think completely. What could it be? At least I wouldn’t see her anymore and go back to my loneliness. She started first and told the same things I feel. She felt the same that she is very happy. It was like a dream till the end. Then she began to talk about ‘hope’. She told that I am her hope and asked me to wait for her. I couldn’t understand what it was. Why hope? I was there, we could do whatever we want, plan whatever we want. But she continued and told about her illness with little hope. I was that hope but she couldn’t give all responsibility to that hope. She just wanted a shining hope like Vega in Lyra star cluster and said “wait or not, it is your choice but I will be good and find you soon”.

Last three days to end of the holiday was at home and alone as always, plus in mess. I had no desire to tidy and clean up. I left everything in place I drop. Every night I looked for Vega but city has very dirty weather to see the sky clearly, surprisingly I didn’t realize this before. Finally my holiday has finished, I went back to office and liar faces. Office was like a masked ball. Many faces hides behind the smiling masks, many lies, many dreams. Nothing was like my face; completely reluctant and tire but it was surprisingly clear face for co-worker. They saw me first time with so clear shaved and elegant but also never saw so tired and reluctant. Every night, I get my drink and look for Vega with Cartman. Even Cartman was sorry for me and he tried to console me by never letting me alone or cheer me with funny movements. But the end of story was the same; me, lonely street, drink and Cartman. Finally I understand why the forest called as ‘Vega’. Orpheus was taking revenge from the nature and this story was over. Years passed like this…I had looked for Vega for a long time but never looked back. I have changed my balcony routine because changed the place which has no balcony, changed my job, changed myself and turned to another liar face with fake smile, even changed my bar.. I almost forget everything. It was just an illusion till I saw the Vega again. It was shining on the way of bar. I didn’t want to look but it took my attention. I didn’t care and didn’t want to remember anything and went to my new bar. This was my new routine to change bar every three weeks. I sat and ordered my drink.  Suddenly that melody played…not Orpheus’ Lyra but it was Aerosmith’ dream on; dream on, dream on until your dreams comes true… I couldn’t look back but I raised my head…those galactic eyes, beautiful smile and lips was in front of me…



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